BONER KILLER SON!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohhhhhh the memories

When I was going to Art school, I used to work in the school store.  Now, everyone knows that being on time for anything is not my strength, especially when I was consistently hung over at 8 in the morning and going to art school.  I would get a regular talking to and then I would go about my day.  Usually two of us would be on the schedule, so we used to cover for each other, if the other was late.  I was always the one that was late.  This one time, my friend actually was later than me for once in my life.  I still got an ear full, but not as much as Rob.  So both of us are feeling like death,  a couple of girls walked in.  So I thought I’d play a little prank on Rob to boost his morale.  So as theyre about to go the register I decide to fart,  and walk into the back room.  The best part is I timed it perfectly,  So as I walked in the back room, they were at the register.  The best part of this is watch your hung over friend keeping himself from puking while helping out the girls at the register.  I dont think he saw it as funny as I did, nor did anyone for the next hour think it was funny.  The glory days

Rule of advice

Don’t ever tell a girl she needs to lose 20lbs……..while you’re in a strip club.  They’ll never let it down, and their friends will always remember you as “that guy”

Chapter 2, What not to say after sex

So, how do I start this off.  When I first moved to Portland,  I was dating this girl who was a ninja. Now she’s going to be pissed that Im telling you that she’s a ninja, cause I’m blowing her cover.  and the first thing about being a ninja is no one is supposed to know that you’re a ninja.  So to not give up her identity, she will remain anonymous.   I dont want her booby trapping my house or poisoning my food.  Im sure she would never do that, but she is a ninja, so I don’t know how much I can trust her.

So back to the story,  I met her on the first day I moved to Portland from Philly 5 years ago.  My friend that helped me move out here had a friend in town, so we figured we meet up that night.  So Chad (my roommate from Philly) and went to  Bagdad to have A beer.  Well, “A” beer turned into 10 beers, and I was wasted.  Chad’s friend calls us up and asks us to meet them at the Goodfoot.  I cant begin to stress the word “wasted” enough.  So we get there and Chad’s friend has the ninja with her.  We all meet and started chatting away.   Being drunk and talking is somewhat of a chore, depending on how much I drank, but tonight was damn near impossible.  so the night progresses and the ladies start dancing,  did I mention it was soul night.  Anyway,  there dancing and Chad gets up and goes dancing with them.  So back then, I was a bit timid when it came to dancing.  I was in the middle of honing my moves and wasn’t confident that I what’s it takes.  So there I am sitting alone, wasted, I cant talk, and worse, I looked I like was living on the streets, since we just got into town the night before.  So I finally grew some balls and danced with the ninja.  We had a blast, and it wasn’t until I started dancing that I started sobering up.  Then I was getting ahold of myself, she decides to challenge me to a danceoff. this was my first danceoff in Portland and I didn’t disappoint.  I didnt have the moves that  have now, but it was good enough to get her number.  Its the only time you can beat a girl at something and the same time impress them.  In the last five years, the only way I have been able to meet girls is through dancing, weird I wonder why.

So lets skip forward to the first date,  I don’t remember it cause I showed up wasted to her house.  I think she made dinner, but Im not sure.  What I do remember is that we were making out and I ended up passing out on her in mid makeout, then I woke up and started to make out with her like nothing happened, Classy I know. So somehow I convinced her to have sex on the second date I think, this is a little foggy so bear with me.  So what’s the best thing that could ever happen to a  guy on the first date……hmmmmm give up, condem breaking.  And instead of being thoughtful, what do I say “You’re going to take the day after pill, right?”  Rule number 1 in this part of the story, dont say to a girl when you’re laying in “her” bed to take the day after pill after the condem breaks on the first time you have sex.  It doesn’t go over well

Round 2, For some reason, this girl liked me enough to have sex with me for the second time.  I look back at it now and wonder what the hell was she thinking,  I was a train wreck.  So i went in hoping to make up for all my shortcomings, but thats exactly what happened.  Every guy is familiar with theory that you  never go on a date when you have a loaded gun, so you rub one out and you go about the evening hoping that you last longer if you get the opportunity that a girl is into you enough to have sex with, and in my case, I was in a bit of a dry spell so I was trying to make up for lost time.  Needless to say, I went out with a loaded gun, which was a mistake.  I dint think we were going to have sex after the weeks couple of weeks of sucking, but sure enough she came in for the kill, literally.  I lasted all but 30 seconds, Im not even exaggerating either, it was bad, and I thinking myself what the hell is wrong with me.  and this is where I explain how I do not have an internal sensor like normal people do, I dont have one, period.  So what do I say “Fuck, well that was disappointing”.  I say  ”Fuck, well that was disappointing”.  And I wonder why shit turns out the way it does.   I HAVE NEVER HAD SOMEONE LOOK AT ME WITH SUCH ANGER AND DISGUST as the ninja looked at me,  That what when I proceeded to explain what I meant, that I was disappointed in my performance,  but it was too late.  Needless to say we dated for 6 months, and never had sex with her again.  I love my life